...so I will... but it might be bad taste...
Last night in the pub Shrek and Shrek 2 were in. Shrek 2 (formerly the Green Goddess) decided that she wanted a ciggy of Damo (who'd previously 'borrowed' 5 from her on the night when he pulled Shrek). This involved Shrek (the girl who's head over heels with me) coming to the bar... did they leave, did they buggery!
Not a to worry, because I thought it was time to lay into Shrek 2 and pull her down a peg or two from her dyke like (althought she's completely straight... apparanly) behaviour. This mainly stems from her trying to put down every man she meets... unforunatly I used to hold back and not rip the piss back...
Take the last time we were in the pub together and she said she saw me on the way to work and I was wearing my glasses... "I thought, 'hey you need to go to Specsavers'" she said. Now if I'd wanted to rip the piss I'd have said "That's funny, 'cause when I saw you I thought 'You need to go to WeightWatchers'"... but I didn't say it (for which a regret now) - two reasons, one she's a fat (massive, big as a house, block of flats, small African country, Continental Africa...) and two she's bigger than me and would eat me.
[Edit: on rereading today, I missed out something... 'cause that last bit doesn't make sense... should have been - " two reasons, one she fat (massive, big as a house, block of flats, small African country, Continental Africa...) and could easily crush me and two she's bigger than me and would eat me." Sorry 'bout that.]
She came out with some more femisist bullshit... and I didn't say anything back...
Then I missed another piss taking opportunity... Damo asked her if circumsised or uncircumisided sex was best. She sided with the circumsised flavour... Damo, clearly with a fully intact penis asked her how so and if she'd tried both... indeed she had... and once again I managed to hold back saying, "you've had sex.... with more than two men!? Jesus". I refrained again...
Ah well, last night it was no holes barred I decided, she'd (and Shrek) had plonked them next to me at the bar and weren't budging... invaiding our space as it were... I ripped the piss big stylee... that said I can't rememeber any of them...
There was one about her being from Long Eaton and I asked if she used to go on dates in McDonalds... apparantly so. I then asked Shrek if she'd been on dates in McD's... apparantly not, she goes on dates in Leicester Square... "the McDonanld's on Leicester Square?" I enquired... then came the game of naming all the places around Leicester Square trying to work out where!
Damo came out with a cracker after we'd named a million places... "Don't look at me, I've never been the Leicester". Bless.
She then gleefully pointed out that she wasn't going to be her next year (wooo) and so did Shrek... Shrek's moving to Lenton. At which point I decided to ask her why the fuck anyone would want to live in Lenton. "it's a cool place, full of cool people," she came back with... "yeah yeah..., it's as rough as arseholes", I told her.
Upon awaking this morning I heard about "Policewoman in serious condition" (this'd be where the bad taste bit comes in to the post). So, once again, why would you want to live in Lenton?
Ah well, they left short after with Shrek 2 who I'd truly put back in her place suggesting that she wanted to "go home now, [Shrek], I've had enough". Am I sorry? No!
In other news it was that Valentine's Day lark today too... woo... where all the couples get all smug and pretend to be happy and the single people get all depressed for no good reason - me not being one of these depressed. For I know too well that the worst Valentine's Day of my life was one when I wasn't single and I've only not been single on two Valentine's Days. The earlier of the two was dead funky, I went to laser quest with my girlfriend and we shot the hell out of each other with lasers... wicked fun... even if a little unromantic... oh and she brought her friend along thus adding to the lack of romance... ah well... not to worry, I was only twelve and true romance doesn't exist then!