Hello.
This post is quite long in my head as I've been writing in there most of the day. Apologies for ramblingness and other such making it very difficult to read annoyances like run on sentances and lack of punctuation or words like 'the' and stuff.
First of all sorry to the people who rigged today for me not being there (if you missed me! didn't get phone calls saying 'help me ya bastard'). I don't think I could had faced TEC today, sorry! Not that I've been able to face it all week. I don't think it's anywhere near as fun as it used to be, erm, if even fun at all. Maybe it is and I just don't play it the same way as I used to. It just stresses me out, makes me shout at people and become grumpy! I suppose I just can't follow what's going on anymore. Seems to be a cry of a few people at the moment I suppose. Don't worry it's not that I want to be back in the loop (life's so much less stressed out of it) and I'm complaing in a beardy manner about not being, or being told what's going on. But I just can't follow anything and everything all goes into a muddle when I'm rigging! I've started lacking confidence in my abilities.
I think that most of my friends at uni are in TEC. Which is worrying, 'cause if you're in TEC you'll prolly go, Ed's not really my friend, what does he do for me!? He doens't even help push boxes at rigs or anything when I'm fecking knackered. I suppose that boils down to me being a not-so-good friend really or fitting in. I apologise again.
I don't think I'm ever a really good friend to people. I don't feel to give enough (read this as 'at all' if you so wish). Dunno why though. I don't aim to not give but to always get, don't get me wrong! What's good is that my friends still give to me when I'm in need. Like 'can you bring this down from home for me?' stuff like that. Or 'I need a hug', which has been a recent plea. I never seem to return the favour. Maybe it's 'cause the favours aren't asked of me, or because I never go home so couldn't bring something down or whatever, but I still feel really guilty. Maybe I should start buying people more drinks or something. Drinks for favours... hmmm, that's how it works in the real world. isn't it?
Drinks for favours reminds me of when I was in hall... and people used to come to me (complete randoms) and ask me to fix their computer. I would oblige of course, because you never know there was the off chance that I might make a friend out of one of them, or cunningly make them feel like they owe me something. I must have been owed millions of drinks. I never collected though, because that would involve being in the bar at the same time as them, and then them coming up to me and saying 'Hey, Ed, that drink I owe you, what do you want?'. That just never happened. People only seemed to talk to me if they wanted something and then I'd disappear. If I sat next to them in dinner they wouldn't even talk to me.
I suppose sometimes I'd try and talk, or join in the conversation of the group I'd happen to join if I'd come down to the bar or dinner with people from the block or whatever, but I'd always say something 'stupid' and have people laughing at me. I still do that with people I know when we're in a group... oh you'd noticed... :-) It's not my fault that noone finds my wit humourous and if I didn't ever try then I'd never talk. Hmmm... that's a bit of a lie I think. If I know everyone present at a thing fairly well and they know me I don't generally get people staring at me and ripping the piss and being anal. It's when there are people there who I don't really know who do that... or if there is me and someone I know and a load of randoms. Then the person I know will side with the randoms in treating me like they think I'm a dick. If I never spoke I might as well not be there and never get people to like me. Oh, maybe that's the point!
This post is nothing like the post I've been planning in my head by the way! Interesting...
It dawned on me this afternoon that I didn't really want to stay in the house by myself all evening doing nothing other than modding hotornot photos and playing C&C Generals: Zero Hour, like I had been for the rest of the day. I phoned up my regained source of friendship to ask what her and her house were doing. Going to see Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban... those of you who know me well will know that since reading the first few pages of the Philosopher's Stone I'd lost all interest in anything Potter related. But I was stuck with the choice of vehemently avoiding Potter things and purpusfully trying not to be a sheep1, or giving in to it to avoid going crazy with only my thoughts to keep me comfort. I opted for seeing the film.
Well... the effects were nice, liked the moving pictures and the photos - very well done. The story was ok I suppose, but there was too much time wasty crap (the reason I gave up reading the book!). Like the flying around the lake scene on the thingy flying thing... yawn... It was like the last of the Matrix films, loads of showy dick cheese - although granted the plot was better than that of the last Matrix thingy. Another analogy would be with the slow boring non-dancing love scene songs in musicals... I'm sure you'll disagree.
Pretty much what I expected then really! A film and a story like many before it and many that will no doubt come after it! In case you were wondering I don't yet feel compelled to purchase a Harry Potter duvet cover, dinner set, or pencil.
Oh, and I whispered 'Challenge Everything' during the advert for the game at the beginning. I just can't help myself :-( Oh, and that The Polar Express looks pretty damn amazing!
What's a tad sad is that my "regained source of friendship" is leaving Notts, having graduated, on the 12th June, and I'll prolly never see her again. Not unless the new found goodness of the friendship is really good and I visit her and stuff - another thing I don't do, which I prolly should, or I give her my address and she rates me high enough to come to her wedding or something!.
I've never visited any of my friends whilst at Uni. Well other than three trips to France, and two to Wollaton, more trips to France than to see my friend from home in Wollaton, that's fucked up! Next year the only people I'll know who will be here will be members of TEC (and my housemate types). That really means that I should really be helping out more with TEC and stuff, instead of jacking them off. Arse. Well either that or jacking the whole lot in, leaving my undergraduate life behind me completely as an experience and starting a fresh by joining the radio station or something :-) I'm gonna miss not having randoms about, who I see once in a blue moon around! Like yesterday where I randomly picked someone who I've not talked to for ages, went 'pub' and in 15 mins was sat having a pint with him. I should do that more often!
I was also very tired today, another reason for not helping to rig, although I'm still up now (something to do with the 44 oz Pepsi I had at the cinema I feel). I had to get up at silly o'clock to discuss my PhD project thingy with my tutor. Looks rather interesting :-) If not rather complexicated and scary.
So there we go, a post not much like it was intended, but a post nethertheless. Wonder if anyone will actually read it all. I hope that I've not offended anyone (like I did in my last depressed post - something that I've truely felt guiltly about ever since). I'm not fishing for anything either, or trying to make myself sound piteous on purpose. I know you can't say "but you're a great friend 'cause you did x and y for me", 'cause I feel pretty certain that I haven't done x and y, where x and y is anything! Most I've done recently is give you things to read on my blog :-) Do you know how happy knowing that people I know read my blog makes me feel? It's cool! People do give a shit :-)
The person who I think I've been and tried to be the most friendly to ever and tried to be there for no matter what (tried, I know I didn't succeed all the time!) is the very same person, who, only a few days ago, I treated like the worst person who ever exsited in the history of the world since time begun... so that was all nice and friend like of me wasn't it!? I'm so shit. I'm begining to ramble and say things I might regret or get shouted at/slapped for - I think it's time to run away!
I think it's time for another Ed metamorphosis! Anyone want to hold my hand? It's times like this that make me feel that I should try harder at finding God!
Thanks for reading (if you did!)
PS This was going to be a 'Depressed' post, I've now changed it to 'Ramble' as typing it has made me become less depressed (also the reason for writing it in the 1st place!).
1 Possibly this is also one of my problems. If I was a generic person I'd get on with everyone fine, wouldn't say things that people disagree with and my life would be perfect.